Lockdown

I wanted to post tonight.

I wanted to post tonight because it's the last night.

It's the last night.

If tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life, does that mean tonight is the last day of my life as it is?

Is that a good thing?

I like my life.

I'm not good at wanting, at being excited. I've talked about that here. And sometimes, that means positive reinforcement sends me spiraling toward depression. And sometimes it means my emotions lock down. That's where I am now. Locked down. Too nervous to think or feel or want.

I'll probably start crying eventually. Out of joy and sadness and worry. But not yet. For now, I'm just doing. I'm packed. The muffins are done. There are, randomly, 64 bagels in the freezer. I may offer everyone some,   but, then again, they're frozen. So maybe that's a dumb idea.

I think, somewhere deep, my heart is shivering.

Muffins

Moving steadily into a state of quiet but enduring panic. Less Clarion and more the simple idea of leaving Sean behind.

Also Clarion, though.

I'm picking out muffins for him to bake next week. Muffins mean time apart, and him trying to see that I eat in that time. He used to make a batch of muffins every week for me to take back with me to college.

Yes. He did. He's that good.

Muffins make me want to cry.

Less than two weeks to go!

It's the ninth.

My last day of work is the 21st. I know a lot of my classmates are going nuts, trying to finish up work projects, get packed, and generally prepare to move to Seattle for six weeks. I don't have that problem. Work is as busy as it is. I'm too small a cog to have projects. There's the move, of course, but I have no control over when that happens. It was supposed to happen last week, but we're still in the same old digs. As for moving, well, I'm moving like, two miles. It's not a huge concern. If I need anything, I'll just have Sean run it over.

At this point, I have nine work days left, total. Three days off. Weds, Sun, Weds. Five days of listing. Two days of floating. Two days of mail.

I'm worried about dumb things now. I'm worried about not having read as many of the books on my 'before Clarion' list as I'd hoped. I still have a little time but not much. I'm worried about which of my stuffed animals to bring (probably all my squishables plus Wolfie, of course). I'm worried about how I'm going to find everyone at the airport. That last one is especially dumb. But, see, I understand the airport. Picking people up from the airport is an activity I have engaged in before.

Clarion is this big wall of mystery and OMG that starts right after the airport ends. So, airport worry it is.

In other news, I got a rejection from Clarkesworld the other day. Not even a good rejection from Clarkesworld. Ahh, well. Onward!